Sing Along With Emperor Palpatine
by handschuhmaus
Summary: Emperor Palpatine parodies songs from his perspective, mostly towards Vader. At this time, mostly Belle & Sebastian songs.
1. Questionable Costume Choices

_This fic contains a series of song parodies rewritten from Palpatine's perspective. I do not own the rights to any of the songs, nor the characters contained herein. The T rating is mostly a precaution because first and foremost this being Palpatine there's a great deal of macabre humor, occasionally the songs contain or originally contained language, and some lines contain metaphors to sexual situations. _

**Chapter 1: Questionable Costume Choices of Rassilon, I mean, The Sith!**

_(Originally written as a later chapter and so now as the first one introducing rather than returning to the theme of Vader being Palpy's "fashion tip", a parody of Belle & Sebastian's "Dress Up In You" from _The Life Pursuit_. Do be forewarned, if you didn't know, that, while this chapter is rated solely for violent imagery, the original song does contain potentially objectionable language in the chorus. That I've replaced this at one point with "Force-choke" may suggest what the word is. Or not. This is one of my favorites; I find myself singing it at random times.)_

I'm the Emperor  
>I'm the Emperor of the land<br>You're a loser  
>I won't dismiss you out of hand<br>'Cause you had a beautiful face  
>It could've taken you places<p>

You keep running  
>I gave you money, you've got fame<br>Every morning, I see your picture on the trains  
>Now you're a "Sith Lord"<br>So says your resume  
>I led you to the Dark Side<br>You couldn't save a life along the way

You're insubordinate, you're not answering my calls  
>Your coordinates<br>I expected this last fall  
>Get back to Coruscant<br>So singular you're not  
>I need you here;<br>We've quite a lot to talk about

We've had a deal now,  
>One you signed in Jedi blood<br>An understanding  
>Apprentices never keep their word<br>I'm disappointed  
>I'm aggravated<br>Things haven't gone my way,  
>I guess I'll have to:<p>

Blow up all the faces of rivals  
>I swear and rant, I make quite an arrival<br>They're all surprised by my language  
>I once was discrete, they're all hypocrites<br>Force-choke them, too!

I always flattered you  
>You always had a lot of power<br>Anakin Skywalker, Chosen One  
>Turned to the dark<br>You've got the essence, _friend_  
>If I could have a second skin<br>I'd probably dress up as you

You're a Sith now,  
>You've no time for things like love<br>Your boy's a Skywalker  
>And though he's naive as a dove<br>You've made him hate you  
>He'll never join you<br>For a dad he wanted someone else  
>Now I can turn him to the Dark as well<p>

He'll blow up in the face of his rival  
>You swear and rant, he makes quite an arrival<br>Don't be surprised by my knowledge  
>You act so discrete, you're a hypocrite<br>Forget you  
>So kill him, boy.<p> 


	2. The Days of the Sith Are Here Again

_Again, I don't own the rights. This chapter contains a little strong language and a prostitution metaphor in addition to all the obvious gore._

**Chapter 2: The Days of the Sith Are Here Again**

_(This chapter is based on Belle & Sebastian's "My Wandering Days Are Over" from_ Tigermilk. _Another favorite I've been singing. In which we catalog Palpatine's rise to the top. And the politician featured uses words metaphorically, again or, rather, because of chapter rearranging, for the first time:)_

You know my Senator days are over,  
>But does that mean that I'm getting boring?<br>You tell me  
>I'm tired of listening to Valorum<br>I'm tired of fixing things for Padme and the rest of them.

You know, my Chancellor days are over  
>I hung my robes up and then retired from the Senate floor<br>The nature of my so-called identity  
>The Sith between Seperatist forces and the Jedi's door<br>At the Temple door

You know, my celibate days are over  
>I've put you straight on the finer points<br>Of my Dark Side powers  
>Through the windows of the Chancellor's office<br>A foolish Jedi falls, a sorry tale, and you turn to me  
>Yes, you turn to me<p>

Six months on, Republic's gone  
>The disenchanted General<br>Left the town with the former Queen  
>The Senator got lonely.<br>At Mustafar, the sinister song  
>I wrote is rendered wholly<br>Amidala's dying, feeling melancholy

You say it's fate that's doing it  
>A tragic dream of your secret wife has been bugging you<br>Now the secret of the way it should be  
>The story of the Sith life saving, the Dark Side, yeah.<p>

You know my masquerade is over  
>I've donned this face for the final time and I've walked away<br>I've seen you in my new Empire  
>You're whoring out for greedy Moffs, on the Death Star, yeah<br>You'll bury Anakin  
>You'll go through hell<p>

Six months on, Republic's gone  
>Disenchanted, Kenobi<br>Sneaks a ride with Padme  
>Pregnant Senator got lonely<br>At Mustafar, the final fight  
>Will send you to the Dark Side<br>Your wife and kids, you've killed, what a pity

Pretty lady  
>Melancholy<br>What a pity  
>Rendered wholly<br>You're so foolish  
>Rendered wholly<br>Melancholy  
>You're so dumb<br>Padme's dying


	3. The Seduction of the Sith

_To reiterate yet again, I don't own any of the relevant rights. This one contains less objectionable content (save for a mention of wine tasting) though it frequently borders on silliness._

**Chapter 3: The Metaphorical Use of Marriage Related Words/Seduction of the Sith**

_(I'm not 100% sure on Dooku's first name here, but I've fairly thoroughly adopted it myself. Presumably the 318 is some sort of train route or something, since it's not baseball here. Yes, I do realize that the verses parodied are not in their original order. Today it's once more Belle & Sebastian, "Piazza, New York Catcher", off _Dear Catastrophe Waitress,_ collage (i.e cut and paste verses into random order and/or borrow the endings of other verses) style and somewhat shortened. Were you so utterly determined, I suppose, given my retention of "elope", you could interpret this with several slash pairings in varying degrees of good taste. (by which I mean that last part of the last verse is most definitely not.) Obi-Wan was not actually made to lay on the floor crying and mourning Qui-Gon or otherwise harmed in the making of this parody.)_

Elope with me, Yan Dooku  
>And we'll sail around the stars<br>You can be Darth Tyranus  
>And I the king of Mars-<em>wait, that's not even in galactic boundaries. Oh well. Continuing:<em>  
>How many nights of talking in hotel rooms can you take?<br>How many nights of limping round on Sith-ly holidays  
>Oh, elope with me, Yan Dooku<br>And we'll set something ablaze  
>A trail for the Jedi to erase<p>

Anakin hits the 318-_What? What does that even mean?_  
>And practices every day<br>Kenobi puts the Order first  
>And rests on holidays<br>He goes into the Temple  
>And lies prostrate on the floor<br>He's really missing Qui-Gon Jinn,  
>He's hoping for a door-<br>way to a relationship with Anakin  
>-That always makes you cry<br>Kenobi's crying too, and well he may.

Elope with me, Skywalker  
>And we'll drink ourselves away<br>We'll taste Corellian vintages  
>And deny certificates<br>A dinner bill to keep the feel  
>Of Mentor-Jedi style<br>We'll comment on the decor  
>And critique the passersby<br>And when I dismiss the Senate  
>We'll continue the debate<br>In my borrowed palace  
>Redecorated black<p>

Vader, I've a drowning grip  
>On your mutilated face<br>Son Luke, misguided responsibility  
>Has found a place<br>Beside you says your father  
>He'll slay me and he will rule<br>Come join me for the Sith,  
>you know obey the Rule of Two<br>You will kill your father, I know it, there's no debate  
>You'll turn to the Dark Side, little Sith<p>

_A/N: And yes, he did get a bit delusional just there at the end. Wanna review?_


End file.
